Quantum entanglement explained:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

There's a gang in my area and they recruit members by threatening them with all kinds of punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church...

Them: What are you dressed as?

Me: A harp.

Them: Bit small for a harp don’t you think?

Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

@fkamiah17 @StarkRG

"Just because you think Alfred is too old to take care of the Batcave, you don't replace him with the Joker."
~ Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a gang in my area and they recruit people by threatening them with all kinds of punishments if they don’t join.

But enough about the church…

Decided to put all my eggs in one basket so I don’t look like a idiot in the supermarket.

A Tibetan monk making his morning toast sees, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He says: "I can't believe it's not Buddha."

Me: Do you have any books by Shakespeare?

Librarian: Of course! Which one?

Me: William.

I was going to toot a joke about Sodium, but then thought Na.

Universal adapter.

I swallowed some food coloring and dyed a little inside.

Very disappointed reading the news notifications about Rupert Murdoch and finding out he’s not dead.

A pizza is just a real-time pie-chart of how much pizza is left.

The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool.
They lay. They rotted. They turned
Around occasionally.
Bits of flesh dropped off them from
Time to time.:And sank into the pool's mire.
They also smelt a great deal.
~ Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings

Bread puns happen when you yeast expect it.

Boobytrap backwards is:
Partyboob.

Carry on.

Oh, FFS.

For all you non-native English speakers out there, “read” is pronounced like “lead”, and “read” is pronounced like “lead”.

#EnglishIsHard

@clacke 😂🤣