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Woop, !umehack's server "asbest" is back somewhat. I don't know why we haven't migrated away from Ubuntu yet. Apparently there's this newfangled thing called "netplan" that decided that the server (which I upgraded remotely) should have all network interfaces DOWN when I rebooted.
Maybe it's because the 16.04-18.04 LTS upgrade isn't official yet? Apparently that shouldn't be done until 18.04.1 or something, which is planned later in June... But come on! /etc/network/interfaces and 'ifupdown' is perfectly fine.