Newsflash:
Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
living in Stenton, North Dakota.