“I’m going to make a roll of toilet paper so large it won’t fit in any toilet paper dispenser”

-every toilet paper executive

Bros be like “I was built for a more brutal world before civilization” and can’t use a fucking can opener

I literally had a dude tell me once that he wanted to go out like Liam Neeson in The Gray, I was like bitch you live in the suburbs

I don’t want my kids to grow up soft

Well, I FUCKING DO

I hope my kids don’t have to work at 15, I hope my kids don’t have to be embarrassed by their patched up hand-me-down clothes, I hope my kids are soft and gentle and learn Shakespeare and Latin and write poetry and compose music, and never have to worry about money or healthcare or peace because that…that MEANS WE FUCKING WON

The wildest animal you’ve ever seen is a stray cat, that your elderly neighbor won’t stop feeding, named “Poops”

“I must study politics and war, that our sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy.

Our sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history and naval architecture, navigation, commerce and agriculture

in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry and porcelain.”

-John Adams

At the risk of being an old man shaking my fist at a cloud, cars should have big chunky knobs and switches that you can operate without looking and while wearing thick gloves

Saw one of those temporary dot matrix signs on the drive home from work that read “DITCHING WORK” and I was like “good for them” and then I saw the road crew digging ditches

“Don’t worry, it was ‘involuntary manslaughter’,I was not in control of the situation. I was a beacon. A CONDUIT OF THE PALE LIGHT”

It’s weird to me that in English the word murder implies a worse act than than manslaughter

Because, just on the face of it, manslaughter sounds WAY WORSE

“What are you in for?”

“Oh, murder”

“You?”

“I slaughtered a man”

“Jesus fucking Christ dude”

Best advice I ever got was just to unabashedly like the things you like

Irony is poison, love things earnestly